i'm thinking about my dad more than usual because in just a few days it will be a year since he died. my intention is not to be sad but to try to really realize that for his sake he is in a better place - not tied to his body that caused him so much pain. it's been almost a year and i should be able to just feel that right? know it in my heart? but we who are left behind can't help but miss him.
last night one of my brother's dogs died. two golden retriever puppies, brothers, that he got last summer, shortly after my dad died. we went to help my brother dig a grave in the middle of this heat wave, in the dark. it's so hard to make sense of this. our animals are like people to us aren't they?
my father, who was an oil burner repairman as i was growing up, fixed everything. when i was looking for my first house, it was understood that it had to have oil heat so that he could fix it if need be. this was his identity for me, a kind of protector who took care of the mechanics of life. the day after he died, my oil burner did too. eventually i had to call a repairman. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. the ultimate reality for me, that i couldn't call my dad, that i was on my own. i often think about that and try to make sense of it. was my dad trying to tell me something? show me that i could survive without him? on good days that's what i believe.
with these thoughts, i've been working on some mixed media pieces. i'm using old faux pearls that my dad gave me. some are still strung and these, when layed out, looked like constellations to me. i imagine them as beacons that show the way in an inner landscape. sort of like a guide to things that need to be learned or remembered. this is the first inner constellation called courage.
thanks for listening.
